Which conspiracy theory are you? A complete astrological guide

Can’t decide which rabbit hole to fall into? Not sure if you think Jacinda’s a reptilian shapeshifter, or if there’s a moose on the loose in Fiordland? Fear not – Sherry Zhang has consulted the stars.

The rise of conspiracy theories goes hand in hand with a global pandemic. Could the combination of fear, misinformation on social media, and political leaders undermining the information conveyed by public health officials be to blame for the rise of an info-demic? Maybe. 

But it could also be because we’re at the end of Leo season, and shifting into the ever-tumultuous Virgo season on August 23. Coincidence? I think not.

So which rabbit-hole will you find yourself falling into based on your alignment with the stars? How do you let your friends and family know?  

Aries: Babylonian Brotherhood

Once upon a time in 2014, the public were asking the real questions. Whether “Mr John Key is in fact a David Icke-style shapeshifting reptilian alien ushering humanity towards enslavement.” Now, we’re wasting our time asking Jacinda about lockdown protocols. Where is the OIA on her cold-blooded status? After all, Key’s chief of staff could neither confirm nor deny the theory. There’s literally no data to prove Jacinda is also not a lizard. 

Conspiracy theorist David Icke’s also recently been taken down by Facebook for “health misinformation that could cause physical harm”. Take that as you will, but you’ll keep asking the questions no one else will, Aries. 

Taurus: Climate change denial

Despite all the scientific data on the climate crisis, rising concentration of greenhouse gases, melting glaciers and bushfires, those kids protesting are being riled up for nothing. It’s all manipulated data “created by and for the Chinese in order to make US manufacturing non-competitive”.  

Trump’s on to something. Climate change action is the political agenda to stop super-powers from exploiting Papatūānuku as they rightly should. The zero carbon bill? Propaganda. Recycling and Auckland’s water drought? More propaganda. You’re stubborn, Taurus, no amount of science and facts can get through to your commitment to denialism and post-truth facts. 

Gemini: UFOs 

Curious and adaptable, Geminis are the restless air sign we need to crack this mystery: a UFO spotted at Waipukurau Aerodrome 50 years ago. New Zealand’s Area 51 could be somewhere in the central Hawke’s Bay. Looks kind of like a shiny portobello mushroom flying through the sky?  You know exactly what I’m talking about. There are 2,000 pages of documents relating to various sightings from 1954 to 2009 from the New Zealand military.

 Cancer: The moon landing

Deeply in tune with their spiritual side, Cancers are sentimental and emotional. That’s why we’re stripping it back and keeping it simple this season. For over 40 years, you’ve stood strong with one of the most convincing cinematic fabrications. The 1969 moon landing. It’s fooled generations. And it stops here with you.  

Leo: Flat Earth

With an air of creativity and dominance, Leos are the natural-born leaders to pull this generation of sheep out of two millennia of scientific lies. If you look at the horizon, can you actually see beyond? The Earth is flat. For those foolish enough to board international flights, cabin air is full of hallucinogens to assist in the 18-hour simulated reality flight from Auckland to Dubai. 

Virgo: The New World Order

Detail-orientated and practical, we can always trust in Virgo to figure out the tangled webs of the New World Order, a secret emerging totalitarian world government. Linked to Covid-19 and 5G, the Illuminati and Madonna, it’s 10 conspiracies in one. Start off with adrenochrome, an addictive drug of the Hollywood elite harvested from tortured children.   

Libra: Anti-lockdown

“Listen to the experts,” says Jacinda Ardern. But “‘Covid-1984 is the New World Order’s power-grab hoax,” you yell back at the anti-lockdown protest. The WHO has created a “myth-busting” page on killer masks. However, health professionals have not always been a place of trust for many disenfranchised groups. Except you’re going to exploit that vulnerability, and keep sharing My Kitchen Rules’ expertise on public health. 

Scorpio: 1080

We haven’t heard from you in a bit Scorpio, but you’re still there. Rats, 1080, and native bush. It’s a highly emotive issue, and it’s gotten quite intense. You’ll spend the next while trying to figure out fact from fiction, including a pile of unrelated dead kiwi and scientifically disproven water contamination concerns. You’re on the gateway drug for wider ecological conspiracies. 

Sagittarius: 5G 

There are still a few upright 5g cell towers frying brain cells that need sorting out. You’ve got it all – mistrust, paranoia and Facebook. The anti-5G campaign insists it causes cancer. Unfortunately, groups that have historically been taken advantage by the New Zealand government are also the most vulnerable. New technologies and a spot of subtle racism: BOOM. 

Capricorn: Anti-vaxx

The measles outbreak in Samoa last year just wasn’t heartbreaking enough. Big Pharma is sponsoring your local DHB. Even if “vaccines causes autism” has been debunked time and time again, you’ve done your own “research.” You ain’t injecting mercury, horse blood and aborted foetal tissue into your children. #NaturalHerdImmunity. It’s time to join an anti-vaxx group, keep up the all-time-low immunisation rates and prey on mums with bubs in strollers! Extra points if you’re lurking around South Auckland motorway billboards.  

Aquarius: Moose 

While everyone else is chasing government conspiracy theories, there’s a moose loose in Fiordland. Some hunters swear by its existence, and you’re definitely one of them. Memorise the tracking pattern, and take your family out for a fun “spot the moose” game. It’s bound to keep the kids entertained for at least the first three moose. Don’t let those moose deniers stop you. 

Pisces: Birds

Birds aren’t real. If the CIA was using pigeon-robots to spy on its citizens, then the biggest camera is the kererū. Bird of the year is propaganda by the GCSB. Andrew Little is sitting there watching our every move. You’ve seen that documentary. This whole lockdown shenanigan – the council didn’t finish replacing the batteries of all the birds. They’re also updating the camera from 5mp to 12. Quite similar to the iPhone 11 pro. Coincidence? I think not! Save the kiwi? More like save the night vision cameras used to spy on innocent people.

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*** This article has been archived for your research. The original version from The Spinoff can be found here ***