ZAnon: A Higher-Ranking Anon Sets the Record Straight

I am Z. I speak to you anonymously because my Z-level security clearance has exposed me to certain secrets that the public deserves to know.

By now, many of you realize that the conspiracy theories touted in QAnon chat rooms have not added up. So it is high time that I, Z, came forward and divulged some astounding truths that have been kept top secret . . . until now.

Deep-State Secret No. 1: “Q” is a total idiot.

I know Q very well. And what you’ve got to understand about Q is that, as far as Anons go, he’s a total joke in the community—a mouth-breather who wears a tuxedo T-shirt and a propeller hat around the office. Not what you pictured, right?

Did you know that the letter hierarchy for Anons actually starts at “P”? Which means that Q-ball-for-brains is only one step up from the interns.

Q’s idea of a deep-state secret is the kind of milk we keep in the break-room fridge. (Though the fact is that Q has no clue what kind of milk we drink in the break room—and he wouldn’t sleep too well at night if he did.)

Deep-State Secret No. 2: The Jewish space lasers were actually Jewish space lasers for Jesus.

It shouldn’t matter what religion a space laser is, but U.S. Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene was wrong to say that California’s wildfires were caused by Jewish space lasers.

Years ago, some space lasers paged through a Jews for Jesus pamphlet outside the Messianic organization’s headquarters in Westwood, Los Angeles. Today, those space lasers consider themselves a hundred per cent Jewish and a hundred per cent Christian. So let’s not be anti-Semitic.

Deep-State Secret No. 3: There was no election fraud in 2020, but, if I’m being honest, we did meddle a bit in Jimmy Carter’s failed reëlection.

It’s not well known, but, behind the scenes, Carter was a Don Rickles-esque name-caller. Let’s just say some folks from RAnon got tired of Carter’s endless gibes, such as “Hey, did you guys write all those poems that are attributed to ‘Anon’?” and “Booooring. You guys sure do go on. Anon . . . Anon . . .”

That’s right, gentle Jimmy Carter once gave me a noogie for seventeen straight hours. Totally inappropriate.

Deep-State Secret No. 4: Bill Gates is not developing a poisonous vaccine. But he is developing a line of Microsoft Stoner Snacks™ to capitalize on the midnight-munchies market.

True, the Microsoft founder spent decades working to eradicate smallpox. Which begs the question: Why the hell would anyone do that? What was in it for him? Well, think about it. . . .

With smallpox out of the way, Gates could finally green-light Big Pox—his fun new breakfast cereal that is “kid-tested and stoner-approved.” Gates now hopes that Microsoft’s Microchip Cookies and Melinda’s Chicken Pox Pies will dominate the 7-Eleven reefer-craving market.

Deep-State Secret No. 5: “Hillary Clinton” is actually Carmen Sandiego.

The person you know as Hillary Clinton is actually an undercover C.I.A. agent named Carmen Sandiego. She has been in deep cover since her Wellesley days. Perhaps you remember people asking, “Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?”

I’ll tell you where she was: Little Rock, Arkansas.

Deep-State Secret No. 6: Pizzagate has always been about extra cheese.

Countless conspiracy theories surround pizza. Conspiracies like “It’s not delivery, it’s DiGiorno!” As if anyone ever believed that.

Then, of course, there’s the conspiracy that a child-sex-trafficking ring was being run by the D.N.C. out of a random pizzeria.

Sure, it’s easy to make intuitive leaps like these. But the real secret behind Pizzagate is that the “cheese” in pizza is actually an opiate vessel concocted by one of Satan’s demons. (Yes, demons exist.) You must have sensed this. How could pizza taste so good if Satan were not somehow involved?

Deep-State Secret No. 7: There may be one way to protect yourself from 5G.

Dunk your phone in the toilet and flush. Never look at the Internet again. You should be safe. Don’t question it; it makes sense—I’m Z, remember?

Deep-State Secret No. 8: The moon landing was faked, but it wasn’t by Stanley Kubrick—it was by Alfred Hitchcock.

You can tell because Hitchcock makes one of his trademark cameos, winding a clock in the background of Apollo 11’s living room. And why do you think the shadows on the moon had that noir feel? Rewatch it and pay close attention to the part where Grace Kelly, Neil Armstrong, and Trogart the Alien have a three-way in a crater.

Deep-State Secret No. 9: Benghazi.

Do you mean Benjamin Ghazi? Boy, what a misunderstanding that was!

Deep-State Secret No. 10: The Capitol was not stormed by Antifa.

It was stormed by Daniel Day-Lewis posing as Antifa, posing as Trump supporters, posing as tens of thousands of people. Yep, he’s that fucking good.

How exactly was D.D.L. able to nail the soulless pink eyes of that guy in Nancy Pelosi’s office? Well, even the deep state can’t explain that. That’s called raw talent, my friends.

Deep-State Secret No. 11: Elvis has not “left the building.”

He’s still wandering around the corridors, looking for the men’s room.

Deep-State Secret No. 12: There was a second J.F.K. shooter.

It was Dick Cheney. (What? He thought that he saw a duck.)

Deep-State Secret No. 13: I wrote thirteen episodes of “Frasier.”

And, damn it, I’m tired of hiding my shame!

Deep-State Secret No. 14: Bigfoot is real.

And he’s a fabulous lover!

Well, that about does it—for now. The American public deserves a reliable source. And, in this country, there’s no source more reliable than someone you have never seen espousing wildly far-fetched theories. Just remember: always keep your eyes peeled for the subtlest hints of conspiracy while ignoring the trillion ways in which you are being screwed over every single day, right out in the open.

It’s a crazy world out there, and you don’t know the half of it. (You actually know exactly eight per cent of it.)

*** This article has been archived for your research. The original version from The New Yorker can be found here ***