Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: Time for QAnon to get the, ahem, “royal” treatment | The Progressive Pulse

Perhaps we have a secret weapon we never dreamed of in the fight to restore sanity to all those brainwashed QAnon cult members living and breeding across this great country.

Yes, that’s right. We must now send in…Meghan Markle, who, according to Prince Harry showed him he had been mind-warped by evildoers in The Firm, which is Meghanspeak for the royal family cult.

“I was trapped but I didn’t know I was trapped,” Harry confided to  O. Note that “O,” like “Q,” is known by one initial but the difference is O uses her powers to share favorite eyebrow pencil not attempt to overthrow democracy using an army of ragtag real housewives of Racine and their idiot spawn.

“Meghan saved me,” Harry confessed to O, explaining he never realized until he married the American actress he was stuck in an oppressive situation. (To be fair, his mama tried to tell us all this stuff a quarter century ago, but apparently we weren’t ready to hear it.)

As they say in no foxhunt ever: Unleash the Meghan! You get an intervention and you get an intervention and you…well, you get the idea.

Unfortunately, we can’t just dispatch Meghan Markle to smite Q because we’re not exactly sure whether he or she is a highly placed government official or the line cook at Chili’s in Slackjaw, Mississippi. With your Jim Joneses, your Chuck Mansons, your Dave Koreshes…you knew who the target was and where he lived. This Q stuff? Much tougher.

Harry speaks in the grateful manner of one who has been freed from a suffocating life that kept him from being his true self. I imagine some of you are thinking you could cozy up to that kind of suffocation when the perks include free palaces and all the organ meat pudding you can eat but, y’all. The Firm stifles all in its culty, inbred ranks. Even Queen Elizabeth, an altogether different kind of Q, has had to sacrifice all sorts of personal freedom for the good of the Crown. Maybe that’s why she was left largely unscathed by the O interview as both Harry and Meghan stated she had been very kind to them.

Mentions of Harry’s dad, Charles, and brother, William, were decidedly frostier. To be sure some accusations were dreadful (a nameless member of The Firm asked, once born, exactly how black Archie might be expected to look as if he were on a Sherwin Williams color wheel instead of a flesh and blood baby. (“Might we expect his majesty to be a Mocha Sunrise or more of an Ebony Dreamscape?”) and some were a bit silly (who made whom cry over the flower girl dresses).

There’s speculation that Meghan’s relocating of her deprogrammed Harry to a sun-splashed mansion on the California coast signals the beginning of the end of The Firm. High time. The royal family and its hangers-on cost a fortune to maintain and once you get a sniff of the racism rooted within, you are exponentially less charmed by cute pix of royal Corgis wearing velvet coats to ward off the famous British chill.

While I’m sure some will be sad to see the demise of The Firm Cult, I look forward to seeing the Windsors gather some day like normal folk at a potluck reunion at the Legion hall with everybody wearing matching T shirts provided by that cousin who winks and says they “fell off the back of a truck.” Every. Single. Time. For now, it’s onward to  QAnon, Megs. You’re on American soil now; get your hands dirty.

Celia Rivenbark is a NYT-bestselling author and columnist. Write her at [email protected].

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