Elon Musk Says Twitter Will Give Blue Checks Only to Verified Conspiracy Theorists

SAN FRANCISCO (The Borowitz Report)—In a policy shift, Twitter announced that it will bestow blue checks only on users it called “verified conspiracy theorists.”

Elon Musk, the platform’s new owner, said that the policy was designed to “curate a world-class collection of the most prominent paranoiacs working today.”

“We will be vetting conspiracy theorists to insure that they have an established track record of disseminating falsehoods,” he said. “For the benefit of our users, we want to make a clear distinction between the Dinesh D’Souzas of the world and some rookie crackpot hoping to become a major-league crackpot.”

Musk’s announcement, however, drew howls of protests from the baseless-theory-spreading community, with some members complaining that Twitter was discriminating against no-name fabulists looking for their big break.

“I recently tweeted that John Wilkes Booth killed Lincoln as part of a drug deal gone bad,” @OptimusTruthBeacon911 said. “If that doesn’t get me a blue check, what will?”

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