Opinion Conspiracy theorists pleased RFK Jr. offers them an alternative to the GOP
LOCATION, USA — Americans who believe erroneous things about science, distrust and fear the government, and live in a world of conspiracy where every development has a sinister double meaning — but who are sick of having to vote Republican — have been overjoyed by the advent of Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s presidential campaign.
“For too long, if I wanted a candidate who hated vaccines or believed something truly wacky about space lasers, or Bigfoot, or chemicals in the water, I was stuck voting Republican,” noted Kathy Glarb. “At last, a Democrat!”
“It is my hope that this marks the end of the days when one party held a clear monopoly on fringe conspiracy theories and anti-vaccine sentiment!” Greg Slump observed. “Finally, finally, someone has a D after his name who is shouting nonsense linking the number of trans youths to ‘swimming through a soup of toxic chemicals’! I could weep with joy, except that all my bodily secretions are being stolen by the government to keep Bill Gates’s skin moist so he can fill us all with microchips.”
“It’s just nice to have a candidate who shares my belief that 5G is rewriting our DNA who isn’t also completely opposed to gun control of any kind!” said Ann Arrrrbor. “Someone who believes, as I always have, that Americans should die of preventable disease, not from gun violence.”
“I misread a series of studies and now I believe a lot of erroneous things about science, and it has long been the source of great sorrow to me that only one of the two major political parties had made room for me,” said Tiffany Oof, who knows that the truth about the Denver International Airport will explain everything. “That’s why I’m so excited about RFK Jr.’s candidacy! Someone with the anti-science conspiracy mind-set I’ve come to appreciate, who isn’t cheering for the events of January 6 or trying to replace my wildlife preserves with a big pipe of oil.”
“Finally!” said Loona Doone, who believes the moon landing was a hoax and is excited for more children to have measles. “I have been saying for years, let’s let measles fight it out with our children on a more even playing field! But I don’t want to take away everyone’s reproductive freedom! So for a long time, I felt like I didn’t have a home in the Democratic or the Republican Party. Now, there’s a candidate for me.”
“Yay!” added Stephanie Legolas, who believes Lyndon Johnson was actually a series of spiders who operated a human body using Martian technology that the government is keeping from us. “I have long lived in a world of conspiracy, where sinister puppet masters are pulling the strings and children are being mailed around the world in Wayfair furniture. For too long, I felt like my only option was to vote for Republicans, but I found off-putting how they’re so busy trying to ban books and keep history out of schools. Now, finally, there’s somebody who believes in just the creepy things I do believe and not additional creepy things I don’t believe! Thanks, RFK Jr.!”
“I, too, hate vaccines,” added Molly Frumious, “because I read somewhere that every time you refuse a vaccination that would have seemed like a miracle to your ancestors, it is like you are slapping their ghosts in the face, and I hate ghosts! I want to slap every ghost I can! But I don’t want to end Chevron deference. And for a long time, I felt like there was no home for me, politically! Now … there is! Kind of! Until the general election, at least!”
“I am a conspiracist first, but I’m glad I can be a Democrat second,” added Glowing Lorb.
“I want to bring back polio,” added Dave Tmbl, “because I invested very heavily in those old-timey braces that FDR used to wear before realizing that vaccines had wiped it out, and now I am really up a creek unless polio comes back right away! RFK Jr. is my only hope!”
“Yes!” added Mea Sles, definitely not a set of measles in a trench coat. “This is what we have long needed in this country: a robust debate about why we dislike science, from two sides! Just as long as we agree that science in general, and vaccines in particular, is the enemy! Good! More of this! Thanks, RFK Jr.!”
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