Why didn’t that emergency alert turn everyone into zombies? REALLY disappointing.

Just got my cellphone alert from the National Wireless Emergency Alert System, and I have to say, that was the WORST END-TIMES EVER.

I was pumped up for widespread zombie-fication. I was told the noisy but routine Federal Emergency Management Agency test was going to click a switch in every American who got the COVID-19 vaccine and have us on our knees praising God King Bill Gates. I was ready – and frankly, pretty jacked – to feel the nanoparticles and graphene oxide in my body activated, presumably turning me into a Marxist warrior in Barack Obama’s Army of the Undead. 

At the very least I was expecting the government would use 5G to release the Marburg virus and consume the country in a pandemic of hemorrhagic fever.

As one anonymous user on Truth Social noted in anticipation of the nationwide alert: “There is a reason [THEY] chose fear as the vector by which humankind could be controlled for millennia.”

Why didn’t the National Wireless Emergency alert bring the End Times?

OK, well my phone screeched at me and you know what I got? No brainwashing. No fever. No superpowers to be used to destroy all non-believers. 

All I got was a lousy text message: “THIS IS A TEST of the National Wireless Emergency Alert System. … No action is needed.”

What a disappointment. What a missed opportunity!

If I had to write a national emergency alert, it would be WAY better

If I was in charge of FEMA, and I may well be (who better to write a column like this than a FEMA official who infiltrated the mainstream media?), I would have used that National Wireless Emergency Alert System test to ACHIEVE something.

The GOP problem:McCarthy booted from House speaker, Trump gagged. The Republican Party is an unserious mess.

Of course I would’ve activated all the nanoparticles and unleashed the zombie virus and whatnot. That’s like page 1 in the Handbook of Nefarious Government Activity.

But more importantly, I would’ve put some work into the messaging.  If I’m alerting every person in the country anyway, I’m going make a damn point, not just tell everyone that “no action is needed.”

What the national emergency alert should say: Be afraid. Be very, very afraid

No, my alert would be far more productive:

THIS IS A TEST of the National Wireless Emergency Alert System, and you should be VERY, VERY AFRAID.

Have you looked around lately? Cities are either on fire or flooded, everybody’s yelling at each other through small hand-computers they never put down, nobody can agree on anything and the only person who seems happy is a wildly powerful 33-year-old pop star who keeps showing up at NFL games and making the little football men see how insignificant they are by comparison.

Books are now bad, ignorance is celebrated and facts are debatable. Also, Frank still hasn’t returned my weed whacker and I’m going to DOUBLE-ACTIVATE HIS NANOPARTICLES!! (Sorry, that one might’ve been a little personal.)

Emergency dumbness alert: Action is required

To avoid a national slide deeper into a slurry of stupidity, A GREAT DEAL OF ACTION IS REQUIRED. First off, get your head out of your keister and start behaving like a marginally decent human being.

Get vaccinated:I ignored DeSantis and got a COVID vaccine. You should, too.

Stop believing every lunkheaded thing your third cousin twice-removed posts on Facebook and start recalling that 2 + 2 = 4, and those claiming  2 + 2 = TYRANNY might not have your best interests at heart.

Why is there even a national emergency test? Well, why would the government worry about you in the first place?

For lord’s sake, stop assuming the government is out to get you because, if we’re being honest, who are you, and why would the government give a whit about what you’re up to? Get over yourself. Live your life. Go outside and look at a bird or something.

If the worst thing you have to worry about is a government alert system that could one day be used to save your sorry existence, well, kudos – you have the easiest life anyone could want.

Now get off your phone, stop being weird and go do something helpful or productive, for Pete’s sake. THIS HAS BEEN A TEST of the National Wireless Emergency Alert System. Pound sand.

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on X, formerly Twitter, @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk