Who is controlling Florida’s weather? No one can seem to say. | Column

“Weather modification” is one of many buzzy colloquialisms we’ll tell our great-grandchildren about near a campfire. You know, in the cozy patches of high ground where we hide from floods.

A bill to ban the so-called practice recently passed its first committee hearing in the Florida Senate. At the hearing, Republican sponsor Sen. Ileana Garcia of Miami said Floridians have been complaining about “chemtrails” and that skies “aren’t as blue as they should be.” The proposal involves a $100,000 fine for any would-be weather chefs.

Garcia brought up cloud seeding, a process that hasn’t been practiced in Florida for years; the federal government once tried using it to fight Atlantic hurricanes but discontinued the program decades ago. Trying to change the weather without a permit is already illegal in Florida, and no one has applied for a permit in a decade. Proponents of the bill, though, have done anecdotal acrobatics to infer that a lack of permits proves an unknown “they” must be spraying us without our consent.

One supporter at the hearing referenced the late Prince — yes, the purple one, a cherished musician but not a top researcher — and his belief in chemtrails. Marla Maples, an ex-wife of President Donald Trump, also spoke. Maples, who co-founded a Make America Healthy Again-style group, winkingly acknowledged that she has access to a certain someone in power.

“It’s not about who is doing this,” said Maples. “It’s about understanding why and then following up.”

Uh, OK. But naming a “who” feels like a solid place to start before passing legislation to stop “them.” No one could seem to do that at the hearing. The debate ended with floating cartoon question marks on both sides:

“I’m not really sure what we’re doing with this legislation,” said Sen. Carlos Guillermo Smith, who voted no.

“Whether it’s happening or it’s not happening, it’s probably a good thing that it shouldn’t happen,” said Sen. Blaise Ingoglia, who voted yes.

What’s that old saying? Wisdom is chasing them, but they are faster. The folks crying weather modification are dancing temptingly close to embracing actual environmental science such as, yes, climate change. They are cracking the intellectual doorway that leads to understanding how human behavior is changing weather.

But instead of stepping fully into the light of recorded research, they get conveniently hung up on gray skies and vapor from airplanes. They have tumbled luxuriously into the comfort of conspiracy, conflating wacky crop dusting theories with scientific developments that have potential to combat man-made environmental damages.

For example, researchers are studying solar radiation modification, a process of reflecting sunlight to fight global warming. That tech, which definitely sounds like the plot of “The Matrix,” is in its infancy, packed with practical and ethical questions. Discerning if and how the process fits into the race against climate change will take nuanced, researched-based regulation, not phone lines filled with calls over the latest streaks from a Delta flight.

Bringing conspiracies into legislative halls does nothing to support or challenge the real work of scientists trying to bandage the impacts of climate change. It does nothing to slow the hurricanes, fires and floods taking lives each year. It does nothing to reduce emissions or nurture new forms of energy.

Yet here in Florida, conspiratorial thinking remains a trusty old chestnut. After the misery of back-to-back hurricanes, wild theories from the far right hit such a boiling point that the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration was prompted to clarify that, “No one creates or steers hurricanes; the technology does not exist.”

Stoking weather modification panic among the already divided masses is not only weird, it’s spiritually dark. Imagine believing that a nebulous “they” delights in increasing natural disasters. Imagine “they” want to douse an innocent population with chemicals. Imagine “they” seek to create more Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s. Imagine something, anything, having this much control over weather and not doing anything to make life better for Floridians, from sticky humidity down to life and death.

“They” would be a messed-up criminal, the kind of boogeyman that only exists in science fiction.

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