Dang it, Tennessee! You stole Arizona’s conspiracy theory | Opinion
The most remarkable aspect of the “chemtrail” debate now underway at the Arizona State Capitol is that Tennessee got there first.
Tennessee passed a law a year ago to crack down on rogue fleets of mystery aircraft crisscrossing the skies and spewing poison all over Dollywood and Rocky Top and the Grand Ole Opry.
Chemtrails.
It sounds complicated, but really, the theory on this stuff isn’t too difficult to master.
Imagine, if you will, the aerosol can that emits the conditioning agents and solvents that hold in place the big hair of Tennessee’s Dolly Parton, the Queen of Country Music.
Now imagine that aerosol can is really an airplane fuselage hair spraying an entire state with similarly noxious chemicals as it flies.
Arizona used to lead on chemtrails
See what I mean? How did Tennessee get there first?
This should have been the exclusive purview of Arizona. It’s right in the dead center of the wheelhouse of the Arizona Legislature.
Had we been on the ball, we could have called our crack team of Cyber Ninjas. They could have color-coded the Veterans Memorial Coliseum, and we could have had the National Nerve Center for Chemtrail Eradication.
We could have owned this issue.
As a matter of fact, we once did.
More than 10 years ago, we were first in America on chemtrails.
Then state Sen. Kelli Ward held what had to be probably one of the first constituent forums on chemtrails in the United States.
She listened intently to the stories of jet-propelled spray cans checkerboarding our Western skies, unleashing Lord knows what poisons on the Grand Canyon, Hoover Dam and the delicate ecosystem that is Tombstone’s Boot Hill.
For her pioneering work, Ward would forever be known as “Chemtrail Kelli” Ward.
Then some guy named Fritts beat us to it
But sometime after that, Arizona dropped the ball, and Tennessee picked it up.
A fellow named Monty Fritts ran the bill to passage in the Tennessee House of Representatives.
Monty Fritts? Are you kidding me!
Come on, Arizona, we have an entire Capitol filled with Monty Frittses!
If Monty Fritts were teleported by one of Tennessee’s mystery aircraft and delivered molecularly to West Washington Street in Phoenix, he would be indistinguishable from all the other Monty Frittses beneath our copper dome.
To paraphrase our beloved former Republican governor, Jan Brewer (who also has big hair), we clone Monty Frittses for breakfast.
Arizona Democrats objected with facts
But don’t let me fixate on just our Republicans.
I must also call out Arizona Democrats.
Talk about dropping the ball.
The job of the Democrats here is to field the loyal opposition. To stop the Republicans from turning vapors in the sky into statutes on the books.
Here’s how our Democrats did that job.
Confronted with Arizona Senate Bill 1432, which outlaws the willful dispersal of “any chemical, chemical compound, substance or apparatus” for the purpose of reducing solar radiation, Rep. Lupe Contreras, an Arizona Democrat, asked the most annoying question.
Where’s the beef?
Where is any evidence that any of this is happening?
Where are the doctors who will testify that their patients are getting sick because Arizona is getting hair bombed with Alberto VO5?
Tennessee Democrats did them one better
Oh, Rep. Contreras!
This is the 21st century. Did you not get the memo? Science and facts are sooo yesterday.
If you’re going to do loyal opposition, do it the Tennessee way — with a little flair, a little imagination.
In that state the Democrats didn’t just try to kill the bill. They worked to amend it — to expand the protections from the spray cans in the sky.
To wit …
“Amendment 2 to Tennessee House Bill 2063:
“WHEREAS, it is documented … that there exists a large and hairy human-like creature that inhabits forests in North America;
“And
“WHEREAS, this creature is commonly referred to as a yeti, Bigfoot, or Sasquatch;
“… The intentional injection, release, or dispersion, by any means, of chemicals … which may threaten the Sasquatch and its natural habitat, is prohibited.”
They take the trophy. We’re left holding the bag
Damn you, Tennessee! Damn the Volunteers!
This should have been our issue. And our fight.
So, here we are once more, holding the bag when we should have been holding the trophy. Now it’s Tennessee’s triumph, and poor saps like me are left to fret about Fritts.
Where was our Monty Fritts?
Where were all the Arizona Frittses? And the Fritts brothers? And the Fritts twins? And the Gila Bend Frittses? And the west Glendale Frittses? And, well, you get the picture.
Phil Boas is an editorial columnist for The Arizona Republic. Email him at phil.boas@arizonarepublic.com.
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