Louisiana Republicans pass bill ‘banning’ chemtrails, which are not a real thing

The Louisiana Legislature has passed a new bill to outlaw “chemtrails,” a made-up and very fake thing that conspiracy theorists and other assorted fringe people believe in.

Because of course.

After the House May 28 killed a bill to ban fluoride in drinking water, there was the slightest sliver of hope that lawmakers wouldn’t agree to other conspiracy measures. That hope was apparently as short-lived as it was small.

Following House passage of Senate Bill 46 — which was authored by Houma Republican state Sen. Michael “Big Mike” Fesi — on June 1, Senate President Cameron Henry, a Metairie Republican, formally “enrolled” the bill, meaning it will become law — unless Gov. Jeff Landry vetoes it.

Unlike many of the other fake conspiracy theories that now make up much of the GOP’s policy agenda, the chemtrail conspiracy theory seems to be relatively new. For instance, a Telegraph article from 2017 traces the scientifically debunked theory to the 1990s after the Air Force published a paper about theoretical efforts to control or influence the weather.

The theory goes something like this: All those white streaks you see in the sky caused by plane exhaust are not plane exhaust that has gotten more common over the years as more and more freight and commercial travel happens in the sky. Rather, this clearly unhinged theory claims that those streaks are actually dangerous chemicals that “they” are pumping into the sky for … reasons.

Who are “they?” That’s a great question. Like fingerprints, no two chemtrail conspiracists agree on all the details. That said, they typically choose from one of the “thems” commonly blamed for such made up things, including but not limited to:

The Government;

The Military;

The Corporations;

The Jews;

The Communists; and of course

The Aliens.

But even if there’s no one “them” to blame, surely there’s a reason, right? Again, that’s up for debate. The point of spraying these unidentified-but-they’re-real-man-do-your-research chemicals varies depending on a variety of factors, including political affiliation, how long the person has been using YouTube, their familiarity with legendary crank Art Bell, how many Burning Mans they’ve attended and of course, drug use. Here’s just some of the many possible answers you might get:

• To control the weather;
• To control people’s brains/thoughts;
• To control the size of the population;
• To make people “woke;”
• To make people “gay;”
• To make people “sleep”/become corporate sheep; and
• To make people food and/or pliant slaves for the greys (which are aliens. Duh).

Fesi and other Louisiana Republicans appear to have put their chips on “weather control,” based on the plain language of the bill. Who Fesi thinks is behind this preposterous fake plot is unclear.

There is one interesting difference between the other anti-science theories like anti-vaccine propaganda or the weird anti-fluoride movement that have become Republican policy. Those conspiracies have deep roots in conservative fringe elements that believed they were Communist plots to, as the 1964 classic Dr. Strangelove put it, steal or otherwise contaminate our “precious bodily fluids.” Chemtrails, however, were until recently largely the domain of drug addled, left-leaning hippie conspiracy theorists.

While the law may seem silly — because on one level, it clearly is — it could have significant implications. Conspiracy theorists could use the bill to challenge flight routes, the construction and location of airports, or file costly suits against airlines and air freight companies. Those, in turn, could increase costs and disruptions to companies and consumers.

There is no evidence that plane exhaust is part of part of some vast, coordinated plot, in large part because no such plot exists. Similarly, there is no evidence that the government is attempting to control the weather. Meteorology remains one of the least understood and inexact scientific disciplines.

And then there’s the logistics of such a conspiracy. In order to undertake such a conspiracy, literally tens of thousands of people across the globe would have to be in on it, including people manufacturing the fictional weather control chemicals and dispersing equipment, the baggage handlers standing there while the fake technicians are loading it into planes, pilots, plane mechanics, air traffic controllers, and political leaders of countries that don’t like each other. That’s not even considering the untold thousands of red-tape loving, approval stamp wielding bureaucrats needed to undertake such a feat.

There is, however, clear, scientifically demonstrated evidence that burning fossil fuels like jet fuel is bad for the environment and human health. However, Fesi and other Republicans have not proposed banning them.

Because of course.