Vaccine Magnetism? These Anti-Vax Theories Come Straight From Crazytown
Stephen examines the theory that the Covid-19 vaccines cause people to turn into magnets in the latest installment of his long-running segment, The Vax-Scene. #Colbert #Comedy #TheVaxScene
Video Transcript
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STEPHEN COLBERT: Welcome back, everybody. Thanks to the readily available COVID vaccine, Americans are back to enjoying our favorite summer social activities– family reunions, pool parties, shoving your family in the pool. And I’ll give you all the latest vax facts in my long-running segment– “The Vax-scene.”
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– (SINGING) When we poke you, well, we know you’re gonna be, you’re gonna be safe from COVID infecting you. When you go out, yeah, I know you’re gonna hug. You’re gonna hug and not worry it might kill you.
And we will shoot 500 vials and we will stick 500 more. Just to be the vax who shoots 500 vials, what are you waiting for?
Get Pfizer! Da-da-da-da! Moderna! Da-da-da-da! Da-da-da-la-da-la-da-la-da-da. Johnson & Johnson! Da-da-da-da! Stop corona! Da-da-da-da! Da-da-da-la-da-la-da-la-da-da.
STEPHEN COLBERT: Now, we’re damn close to President Biden’s goal of 70% of American adults getting vaccinated by July 4. But unfortunately, “the number of doses being administered daily is on a steep decline.” Come on, people. Just get the shot.
If I had time to speak directly to each of you on national television, I would– oh, which reminds me, I’m supposed to pass along this message. Uncle Jeff, please get the vaccine. Otherwise, you can’t come to my head writer’s wedding. There’s gonna be a shrimp tower.
One problem– anti-vax theories are on a collision course to Crazytown, like the theory pulled from the ass of someone testifying before an Ohio Health Committee hearing named Dr. Sherri Tenpenny. Always a good sign when your doctor sounds like a Dickens character– please, Dr. Tenpenny, I’ve just got a spot of dropsy. Don’t take me legs.
During a hearing on a bill that would ban private entities from requiring vaccinations– see you Monday– the Ohio GOP invited Tenpenny to offer this penetrating analysis.
SHERRI TENPENNY: I’m sure you’ve seen the pictures all over the internet of people who’ve had these shots and now they’re magnetized. They can put a key on their forehead. It sticks. They can put spoons and forks all over them and they can stick because now we think that there’s a metal piece to that.
STEPHEN COLBERT: Oh, my god! She’s right. It’s the dreaded Thanksgiving Kids’ Table Syndrome. Aah! Aah!
May I remind you, this person actually calls herself a doctor. Her med school, the University of Willy Willy– go, Fighting Filings!
Then they opened the floor to the most scientific reliable source, people with time on their hands to comment at public hearings. And Tenpenny’s testimony was backed up with a dramatic experiment.
– You were talking about Dr. Tenpenny’s testimony about magnetic vaccine crystals. So this is what I found out. So I have a key and bobby pin here. Explain to me why the key sticks to me.
It sticks to my neck, too. I got this. Yeah, so if somebody can explain this, that would be great. Any questions?
STEPHEN COLBERT: So many questions– none of them about that key, though. Of course, that wasn’t the best example of magnetism. But the next speaker, a man called Ernest, had an absolutely stunning demonstration.
Of course, now you know the authorities are gonna try to silence him. I wouldn’t be surprised if Ernest goes to jail. We’ll be right back with Samuel L. Jackson.
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