Theodore Decker: My totally rational views on vaccine magnetism, nanoparticles and Bigfoot

Last week, in a packed hearing room at the Ohio Statehouse, Republican lawmakers handed the microphone to Dr. Sherri Tenpenny, who suggested that people have been magnetized by COVID-19 vaccines and that nanoparticles in the vaccines might make recipients trackable by certain cellphone technology.

“I’m sure you’ve seen the pictures all over the internet of people who have had these shots and now they’re magnetized,” Tenpenny said. “You can put a key on their forehead, it sticks. You can put spoons and forks all over and they can stick because now we think there is a metal piece to that.”

Some pooh-poohed Tenpenny. I, for one, think she’s on to something.

Just the other day my sister’s friend’s brother-in-law reported that his cousin could no longer eat with metal utensils because they were sticking all over him. He was forced to resort to plasticware or risk starvation.

Or maybe the cousin saw that on Facebook. Same thing.

One thing we all saw, clear as day, was the video from the Statehouse hearing when Joanna Overholt, a registered nurse from the Cleveland suburb of Strongsville, defended Tenpenny’s testimony and placed a key and a hairpin against her chest, where they stuck.

She also demonstrated using her neck, where the key didn’t stick but probably only because the 5G cellular tracking nanoparticles interfered with the electromagnetic waves that are being channeled from the sun through the vaccine metals now polluting her body.

“If somebody could explain this, that would be great,” she said.

I think I just did. But I’ll elaborate.

You see, the metals in the vaccines work in much the same way as windmills, which everyone knows cause cancer.

Probably everyone does not know, however, that most wind turbines are manufactured in China.

And what else originated in China?

That’s right. COVID-19.

Of course nobody knows exactly how this virus started. Some think it was made in a top secret lab, and others think it originated in animals and jumped to us.

I say maybe it’s both. I believe the Chinese government made the virus and infected an unlikely Patient Zero with it. That first patient was the Yeren, a man-beast that roams rural China and resembles Sasquatch of the Pacific Northwest.

You see, the whole world knows of our fascination with Bigfoot in the United States. There are always reality TV shows about it.

We’ve been looking for Bigfoot for more than 50 years, in California, in Bhutan, even right here in Ohio. There have been U.S. expeditions in China looking for the Yeren, so what better way to infect us than to infect a Yeren first?

All of this could be proven, mind you, if we could safely travel to China to investigate, but we can’t risk falling off the edge of the earth to confirm what is already so obviously true.

Who would do such a thing? Dr. Anthony Fauci, for one. Probably Dr. Amy Acton had something to do with it. And by the way, if both of them were so hot about a vaccine, why haven’t they been vaccinated? We know they haven’t because their stethoscopes aren’t stuck to their heads.

Ohio House Health Committee chairman Scott Lipps, R-Franklin, thank you so much for allowing Tenpenny to testify, at the insistence of state Rep. Jennifer Gross, R-West Chester, the primary sponsor of HB 248. Thank you for making public policy decisions based in part on testimony like hers.

The government, and the scientists, may say these vaccines are safe and don’t contain metals or 5G nanoparticles or microscopic drones.

But those people are undoubtedly witches. We can tell because they float in water, just like bread, apples and very small rocks. Not to mention wood and ducks.

Why? Why would this elaborate conspiracy exist?

It’s all done to keep tabs on us, sheeple. All to keep us in line. Because the elite, the powerful, they all know it’s harder to fight back if your wristwatch is stuck to your face. It’s impossible to rise up against your alien overlords when there is a constant ringing in your ears, like that infernal ringing of a cellular telephone.

tdecker@dispatch.com

@Theodore_Decker