In light of his recent inflammatory, hateful comments, the Illuminati has made the decision to end our relationship with Ye, formerly known as Kanye West. West’s abhorrent, anti-Semitic remarks are unacceptable, and starkly go against the values of our global shadow regime.

The Illuminati detests bigotry in all its forms, and West’s statements regarding Jewish people have been particularly disturbing to us, as our deep-state organization prides itself on the inclusion of members of all faiths and ethnicities who come together to be the unseen architects of the world’s wars; influence international markets; and decide which behavioral patterns should be subliminally suggested through blockbuster films. West’s sole attribution to the Jewish people of a widespread conspiracy to control society is a detestable lie offensive not only to those of the Jewish faith but also to this diverse, power-hungry cabal.

Hatred has no place in this secret society. Since our establishment, in 1789 (when shape-shifting lizards waged a covert coup to replace the Founding Fathers), our consortium has been committed to progress and the cultivation of a community in which all are safe to be manipulated into believing the puppet leaders we’ve installed. We support equitability in our clandestine world domination, which is why hate speech such as West’s is so disturbing to us, specifically. We at the Illuminati work so hard to avoid discrimination when distributing tracking chips developed by Bill Gates via the coronavirus vaccine.

Our decision to terminate our relationship with West does not come lightly, as we have been working closely with him for more than twenty years, ever since our Director of Inclusion and Outreach, Jay-Z, introduced him to us. We are saddened that West’s dangerous and regressive statements have forced us to end our association with him, after years of mutually profitable collaboration—from using his music to activate Russian sleeper agents and spread demonic messages, to using 5G signals to program citizens who have consumed fluoride to think that Yeezy designs are cool. The losses to our treacherous fraternal confederacy will be great, but we find it important to do what’s right.

We here at the Illuminati hope that our actions will serve as an example to all the dithering masses of sheeple we control as they go about their days under the illusion that they have free will. Although we traditionally operate behind the scenes, we knew that we could not stay silent and allow West’s prejudiced comments to remain uncontested. We applaud the other crass capitalist organizations that eventually took a stand against West’s bigotry, and we hope that more will follow suit. No one should tolerate West’s harmful comments—the Illuminati firmly believes that all evil should be done in secret. ♦