John Archibald: This water board is rotten

This is an opinion column.

So, the powers that be at the largest water utility in the state pondered. What should we do in a place that lags in oral health, pipes water to a ton of people in poverty and works its dentists to death?

“I know,” one of ‘em prolly says. “Let’s stop putting that damn fluoride in the water. That stuff’s expensive.”

“Yeah,” another one prolly adds. “That stuff can make you – you know – cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.”

I feel like this is the point where I should scream there is no evidence of that you weak-minded conspiracy nuts! But I am no longer comfortable saying it. Because if there is one tiny drop of evidence linking fluoridated water to brain rot or breakfast cereal it is that fact that members of the Central Alabama Water Board have spent a lifetime drinking the stuff.

And this board is as rotten as our teeth are gonna be.

This authority, created by the gallon bowl of Corn Flakes that is the Alabama Legislature as a way to steal the Birmingham Water Works Board from its city, announced last week that it would no longer add fluoride to the drinking water of its 770,000 customers. Yes, this in a state ranked near the bottom in child well being and overall health, with alarming numbers of children in poverty, fighting it out with Arkansas and Mississippi for worst access to dental care.

Pretty soon we won’t even be able to say “Thank God for Mississippi.” Not just because Mississippi has passed us by, but because we’ll have to say “Thank God for Mithithippi.”

The dental director for the Alabama Department of Public Health and Jefferson County’s health officer have already made the arguments for why this is a stupid idea. But in an age when medical expertise is among the enemies of the state, Central Alabama Water DOES NOT CARE. Fluoride has been in water for 80 years. It is one of the most tested health programs in our history. It’s effective in reducing tooth decay, saves a ton of money in the long run and especially changes the lives of those who don’t have access to regular dental care, don’t have money or dental insurance, and don’t have somebody making sure they brush their teeth every night. Like a lot of people that board is supposed to represent.

This board, secretive and arrogant, made itself toothless by design by bestowing almost complete power to CEO Jeffrey Thompson. It held a contentious meeting Friday but mentioned nothing (rotten) about the decision to remove fluoride from the water. It barred some people from entry in that meeting (rotten), waited for everyone to leave and announced the fluoride decision by press release (rotten).

There is no surprise here. Just confirmation that something is rotten in Birmingham.

But it’s not Birmingham. This new authority was created as a middle finger to Birmingham, and the majority of its toothless, rotten board is clearly comfortable in that role. It’s just too bad that big FU is going to hurt poor children the most.

I know it seems nuts, but these guys make me miss the old Birmingham Water Works Board.

Sure it was a cabal of crazy, known for decades for political patronage, regular rate hikes and corruption.

But the water was good. I’ll give them that. They answered questions and opened their records, even when it made them look bad.

There are two kinds of rotten. I think I’d prefer the old one.

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